Don’t React… CREATE: How to Own Your Thoughts, Feelings & Triggers

What if you could transform the energy it takes to REACT to something into energy that CREATES?

And what if that thing it creates is something extraordinary and beneficial, inspiring and productive, or even restful and restorative?

It’s a no-brainer… but it doesn’t come naturally. Which means, in order to transform reactionary energy into creative energy, you must DECIDE TO DO IT and then WORK AT IT.

Bummer, I know.

But, here’s the good news: the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Pop quiz: how do you know if you are a reactionary person? Hint:: if you allow the things happening around you (meaning, they are independent of you and your control in every way) to control your mood on the daily, you are a reactionary person.  (Quick side note: the term ‘reactionary’ has come to be associated with a certain type of political reactionism and that is NOT what I am talking about here!)

The truth is that we are ALL reactionary to some extent. To react to something outside of our control is a default position; it just happens automatically. Nice weather? Fat bank account? Happy relationship status? All things to help influence a damn good mood. Flip it and reverse it and now you’re getting rained on, broke, and alone and you feel miserable.

Normal.

But… not the best.

Habitually reactive people are like characters in a movie, acting out a script someone else has written for them. They often can come across like powerless victims, having their lives controlled by external factors, almost like some grand puppetmaster is pulling their strings haphazardly each and every day. Reactionary people tend to have wild emotional swings and outbursts because the way they feel is dictated by someone or something else – by circumstance and the outside environment.

You’ll often hear phrases from habitual reactionaries like: “If only they treated me a bit better, I could be happy”. “I have to do this because…”. “I wish I had more time for that, but…”. They tend to formula of IF… THEN, but the IF is never predicated on something they can control, influence or take responsibility for.

IF all of this is sounding a little too much like the person in the mirror for comfort, don’t stress it! Like I said, this is normal, easy, natural and, for some of us, learned behavior.

But just because you are reactionary or you tend to be reactionary or you lean reactionary doesn’t mean you have to continue to do so! After all, who wants to allow their emotional wellbeing to be dictated by outside events, people, and even so-called “acts of God” all outside of their control?

Not me.

And, I’m guessing, not you.

The first step when it comes to shifting from REACTIVE to CREATIVE is to uncover the root of the problem.

For instance, maybe the way you to react to certain situations in your life is directly connected to something in your past – not just your “conditioning” or “programming” but actual experiences, both happy and sad. If you had an emotionally reactive parent (or two!) in the household, you observed them and soaked up their behaviors like a sponge, influencing your own emotional reactions later in life. If you’ve been in close, adult relationships with emotionally reactive people, that can also be a strong influence on your own reaction style and tendencies. 

For example, if you come from a family of yellers (like I did), you may have gone through life feeling like you had to yell to get your point across or to match the other person's energy in the room. As a former-yeller-who-came-by-it-honest and now a natural-work-in-progress, I can attest to how incredibly strong and unconscious these influences can be. We often pick up these little things throughout our younger years, not always realizing the impact these behaviors can have on us into adulthood, affecting both our professional and personal lives.

But while reactiveness is a learned behavior, it doesn't have to be a permanent one. Does this mean you won't feel upset when things go wrong, get mad, get glad, or have natural human emotions? Of course not. After all, you're “only” human. 

However, when you learn to focus on truly OWNING your thoughts, feelings, and triggers, you're giving yourself more control over your mind AND your mood. When you OWN something, it’s yours – you’ve earned it and claimed it. It isn’t an external factor influenced by someone else’s mood or behavior, the weather, the economy, politics… you get the idea.

By owning your own thoughts, feelings and triggers you put yourself in a position of power to embody that fabulous state some would refer to as "calm, cool, and collected." But, even more than that, you give yourself the ability to become a creator as opposed to a reactor.

The goal must become to be “creative” with your language (and this applies to the language you use internally, within you, yourself), meaning that your intention is to create an outcome or possibility that didn’t previously exist. This can look like the creation of a connection or relationship, an interest in a product, alignment or buy-in on a project, strategic partnerships, success for yourself and your family, and more! But it's impossible to create anything at all when you are too busy reacting to outside opinions, behaviors and situations. 

Identifying your triggers is the next step to becoming creationary and putting the reactionary behaviors behind you. Ask yourself this question: "What are the things that set me off the most and get an impulsive reaction out of me?" This is a time for a little curious introspection. We all have triggers, some more than others, and there's nothing wrong with that (I’ve written more on this here). If we can identify and accept them, we can work on making changes to our lives that will lead us down an incredible path of acceptance and understanding.

Once you've started thinking about the different things that trigger you the most, make a list on a sheet of paper (it is always helpful to write things down). Now, ask yourself, "Why do these things bother me so much?" If you’re dealing with a person, write a list of the characteristics they display that bother you most. 

For example: let's say you've added rudeness to your list. Someone displays a rude, entitled, snobby attitude with you in the workplace and it automatically sets you off. It just rubs you the wrong way – big time. Not only are you getting upset with them, but you're also allowing that negative attitude to control the way you feel in the moment and, potentially, the rest of your day, ruining your day when it still has every possibility to be a great one. (Ironically, the rude person who just affected you so negatively continues on either oblivious or unaffected!) So, what about their attitude triggers you? Is it the feeling of being tested or undermined? Does it make you feel like the person is challenging your authority or disrespecting you? These are common reasons people feel irritated and get upset by someone being rude to them.

Once you understand why that specific behavior triggers you, it's easier to take a step back and think of it from an entirely new perspective, becoming more creationary than reactionary. Rather than acting impulsively to someone who appears to be acting rude, you could set them aside and attempt to connect with them, saying something like, "Look, it seems like you're having a bad day. I'm not sure what's going on, but if there's anything I can do to help you, let me know." Even something as simple as extending that olive branch to the other person could create a shift in their behavior, brightening their own bad day. And while you're helping improve someone else's mood, you're also making sure their negativity doesn't impact your mood. And, if you’re not willing to extend that kind of an olive branch externally, still do it mentally to yourself. You’ll be surprised by what shifts in others, by simply shifting it first in you. 

If they’re habitually rude or disrespectful, you might try a little kind assertiveness: “Look, I understand what it’s like to have a bad day, but it’s inappropriate for you to speak to me that way. I’ve noticed you tend to do this frequently and I am going to need to ask you to stop. If there is something I can do to help you, please let me know. I’m here for you!”

What triggers one person won't necessarily trigger someone else, so it's crucial for you to identify your own personal triggers and then consider ways to handle them. It's normal to experience a negative range of emotions, such as anger, sadness, and disappointment, when things go wrong. However, it's also important to understand that certain things are simply out of your control. If you let those things rent space in your head, you're doing yourself a disservice because you'll likely become even more reactionary over time, ultimately letting external situations control your internal mood.

When you know and understand your triggers, you can focus on diffusing negative situations that would typically trigger you while becoming more understanding and accepting of others. Letting your communication with others stem from this place builds bridges versus division. As a result, you become more creationary and even (maybe unintentionally) influence others around you to do the same.

Create your own thoughts, feelings, and triggers to gain more control over them. Own them and guard them against external factors that you can neither anticipate nor control. Once this begins to become a habit in the way you respond, you'll see and experience the amazing difference this change in mindset can have for you in your professional and personal life.